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Marzi-Panic

Honka honka :o)
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Quick Update

3 min read

I've done some thinking and I wanna share what I've been mulling over for the last few weeks.


Don't worry, this is just an update of sorts. I won't do this often. Just felt right to say something about it now. :o)


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I'm in a bit of strange bind. I'm in this weird nebulous vibe of being nothing and something at the same time..


If that makes sense.


Like, I'm fine, but I'm also not fine. However, it's okay? I don't know. All I know is that I don't like talking about it with others as much as I use to. I used to feel better after having some time spent with friends and loved ones before I felt like I was going to explode.


Things have changed though.


I don't believe they deserve that side of me. I don't want to put them through that everytime I have a bad day. Which felt like everyday for the past seven years. I want to change that, but on my own. No outside help unless it has something to do with someone specifically and if I find professional help. Something like that.


I kind of took a break from the internet. I noticed that when I was gone, nothing changed around me. I changed a little though. The girl that used to be surrounded by others all the time is now alone. It felt.. somber. Humbling and cathartic. The strongest emotion I'd usually deal with was loneliness. It was really hard at first, but like most things, it got easier with time.


I'm no longer lonely, I'm just physically alone a lot of the time and it's been a process to take in. So I wanted to try something kind of experimental. I wanted to try posting whatever I wanted for a year without checking notifications or replying with all my art platforms. Just post and dip. One post a day, each one with a doodle/art piece. This is to push myself to properly focus on my body and mind since I don't limit my time online as much as I should. So I guess this is a training exercise for my mental will to stop lurking lol


It won't get suuuper personal for the most part, but I plan to have a theme each month of what I draw so I can keep it organized. The one drawing a day bit just keeps me from overwhelming myself because as long as it's my art, it'll suffice for me. You could even make it a game of guessing the theme of the month, if you want. :o)


Most of them are easy to guess, I'd believe. It could be fun and if anything, I might make a raffle for those who got most of them right. A little prize for hanging in there with me and what not. Also, to make up for the fact that I've been so back and forth about opening commissions. Lol


Either way, I hope this becomes a great experience for me. I thank you for reading this and the patience anyone is willing to give me with this weird little thing I'm about to do.


Have an amazing holiday and happy new year! I wish you all the best. Stay safe. 💖

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It's been a real difficult time for everyone for the last year or so. Things change drastically and not so much at the same time.


I've been... existing. I went down a path of self-reflection, building myself up, and just.. working.


I went through a lot of turmoil and fleeting moments of happiness for the most of my absence. I'm just tired. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, but, like.. I do?


I know that all these bad things that happened to me are just lessons to learn from and move forward from so I can be stronger, but I think I've been losing it.


I look back at my old art and think so matter-of-factually, "What happened?".


I want to feel like I'm worth it because of what I think of myself. However, I still have the issue of giving people more power over my self image. There's things I still have to fix within and there's this black cloud over my head that I constantly need to keep in check.


It's been a rough time.


I don't like deviantart's new theme and it's a little disorientating, but if I ever come back fully, I hope I'll adapt properly. lol


Anyway, I know I'm being vague for the most part, but it is what it is.


I hope everyone is doing well, taking care, being safe.


Thank you for reading and I wish you a good life.

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Deep breaths. I'm okay, I've done some damage and taken some too. That's how life is. Just have to keep moving forward and be better than I was yesterday.


I'm only human.


I've been having a bad time this past month and I want to just be okay. It'll take time, I know. Focusing on myself is my main objective at this point. I'm constantly in a mental battle of if Im a good person or not. Always hurting myself over it and beating myself even more when I've hurt others. Ultimately, feeling lost and numb when the people I try to communicate with and rectify my wrong actions tell me I'm being evil and a terrible person..


I always ask myself was what I did really that bad, am I worthy of this punishment, am I worth being forgiven or even living, and so on and so forth. I care so much that it becomes a bad thing. I try talking my feelings out and I'm told that I should have just stayed quiet. That theres something wrong with me. That I deserve to be lost and I'm the only reason why I'm not wanted.


There's truth in that. However, I still try. I care immensely when it comes to people I treasure and when I know I've done a bad thing. I do everything I can to make it better. However, in the midst of it, I always forget that it's up to the other people involved to make their own decisions about the situation after I did all I could. I output so much and barely get much in because I constantly find myself giving from a place of scarcity. Pushing out more than I get in.


It's no one's fault but my own that I feel this way, but that doesnt excuse anyone for being intentionally awful. Being defensive or hurtful because you're hurt is one thing, but being downright vindictive about it is another. I'm not perfect and neither is anybody else. I do the things I do, say the things I say because I genuinely try to create the best outcome. Be honest, talk more, communicate when you're hurting, be open minded, prepare to guard yourself, care and love yourself first, etc. Even when I do, when I truly believe I do, I'm told I'm wrong. That everyone will more likely know me better than I know myself. That's impossible, right..?


I'm at odds right now, I believe I'll be okay in the future. I just want to sit in this hurt and get it all out, but theres little to no solace for me right now. My heart feels like it's been ripped into a million pieces and it's all my fault.. right? I dont know anymore, I dont know who to trust anymore, how to feel anymore, but what else can I do but wait? Wait for the day I learn to stop caring so much. Wait for the good times to pass me by. Wait for the day I realize that I made it this far for a good reason. Wait for the day that I find my place in this world. Wait for the day I'd be okay with just myself.


Life is hard, but we dont get what we want by just sitting around waiting for it to happen. You can only be so nice for so long and this whole post may be seen as lip service, but it's nice to at least get it out of my system. Sooner or later, I'll be okay. Today's just not that day for me. Wish me luck.


Be safe and have a good one. 💗

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I was going down my gallery and noticed that the engagement went down during the years.

I feel it was my fault after a while because I didn't want to constantly repeat "thank you" and "you're welcome" because I always thought it was implied.


I read every comment no matter what. I just don't have much to say for some and I didn't want to seem like a broken record.


Part of me feels like dA has been dying for a while anyway and that's why engagement like comments have been down for many. Honestly though, it's always nice to know that I have people who still care regardless of them commenting, favorites, or what have you.


I hope you all are doing great and being safe. I appreciate any and all support.


Much love,

Cat, Anubis, Shugar, Missy, Sarah, whatever name you remember me by <3




P.S. I know I have many names now, sssssshhh--

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Like, I don't get it. Why would dA think that this format was better than the old one? I get wanting to stay modern and keep your site looking good and fresh, but eh.


Regardless, I'll try to keep adding art, but at this point I'm more likely going to post most of my stuff on twitter. I don't think dA is going to be easy to navigate for now. Hopefully, it will with time, but we'll see.


Either way, hi. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you guys are happy and safe with all this craziness that's been happening.

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